Shark Movies: A Lifelong Condition, Not a Choice

“I blame my parents ” is how I would like to start off. While it gives me an easy out, it is actually entirely their fault.

This is how the story begins: “Once upon a time, there was a young couple with an adorable little girl who was the joy of the people around her. She was lively and cute as a button! Into this cherubic tot’s life, her well-intentioned but fairly clueless parents decided to introduce the concept of a man-eating shark and that too via the giant screen of a darkened movie theater” Why did they do this and why did CPS not get into the act?

Well, apparently back in the dark ages, there were no babysitters or CPS in the far corners of the land known as Kanpur and who doesn’t want to see a shark terrorizing white people when all you have had till then is an endless fare of Bollywood actors prancing around trees and being melodramatic?

While there is a shocking lack of documentation around the reaction of the said cherub to the killer shark, there are unsubstantiated reports of peeing in the pants out of fright and whatnot.  However, before she could say cartilage and Ampullae of Lorenzini, she was hooked for life and a fascination began with the lean, mean eating machines of Deep Blue Sea (a truly good watch IMO!).

While everyone else outgrew their childhood fascinations, the child simply expanded her viewing of shark films; streaming services enabling her every step of the way. She remains gloriously unrepentant of her choices and even goes so far to rope people in so they may partake in the “fun”.

And since I’m writing this about myself, I can very honestly state that over the decades my taste hasn’t improved…rather it’s expanded. Into the realm of the utter ludicrous at times.

For example I will happily watch :

• realistic sharks
• giant sharks
• prehistoric sharks
• giant prehistoric sharks
• ghost sharks
• zombie sharks
• robotic sharks
• alien sharks
• sharks in tornadoes
• sharks in snow
• sharks in sand
• sharks in places where marine biology has filed a formal complaint.
• sharks building dams and putting beavers out of business (yes, this was a movie aptly called Dam Sharks)

And it’s not all just about the fun aspect either. Shark movies come with life lessons which are reflective of the human condition and offer insight into our very psyche. Take for instance these oft-occurring scenarios in the shark movies:

• Every beach has exactly one lifeguard. (Bad management judgment right there!)
• Scientists ignore every warning until it’s too late. (Time management for the win!)
• Billionaires always build underwater attractions they shouldn’t. (Due corporate and financial diligence lacking.)
• Helicopters exist solely to explode. (Let’s aim for 6 Sigma here people!)
• Nobody ever leaves the water when told. ( communication breakdown signaling the deeper issue of societal breakdown)

To sum up..some people collect stamps, antiques, guns even…I collect implausible shark movies. And will I continue watching every shark movie released? Absolutely!

Will I complain about how terrible it is while watching? Of course.

Will I immediately watch the sequel? Without hesitation.

Because true love isn’t finding perfection…it’s happily watching a CGI shark launch itself into outer space… and wondering if there’ll be a sequel. And then complaining about how Meh it is!