A Blog A Day- Day 2

I had hoped I’d have enough time and material to write again today. Lo and behold! The universe conspired to bring me a muse in the form of an annoying and kind of naive salesgirl who I’ve hexed from here to Kingdom come for her utter and complete lack of even a half-assed sales pitch and because she hurt my feelings…kind of.

See, when you’re carrying around extra weight, no one is more aware of it than you are. Partly because you’re living with it and also because people around you don’t let you forget it either.

Spouses make fat jokes, kid you about your big bites and even raise eyebrows if you so much as swallow a watermelon seed. Your offspring squeezes your lard each time he passes you by and thinks it fitting to tell you to eat less because you’re getting SO FAT!!

Note: the child in question is pretty young and no clue how close to doomsday he gets when he speaks to a woman about her weight. But then again the ‘foot-in-the-mouth-gene seems to be passed down from the paternal side ergo the kid didn’t really stand a chance.

Moving on, so a myriad of people make overweight people realize that they are in fact OVERWEIGHT; either knowingly or unknowingly.

Today’s incident was funny, sad and kind of made me want to throw a pie in the face of the girl who brought it all about. So it went like this- I accidentally knocked over a few packets of innerwear when I was managing a turn in the supermarket aisle while doing my mother-with-periscope-neck routine.

An eager beaver sales girl came running to help me pick them up thinking I was shopping for the said articles and took it upon herself to help me find stuff in my size instead of the smaller size I’d knocked over. Before I could tell her I didn’t need anything from that rack, she took a quick look at me and started off saying that the size I had was too small for me and she’d find the right one for me…and she did. Or so she thought. While my neck was still periscoping around for the offspring, this proactive child took out something which could have doubled up as the flag of an impoverished nation and waved it around to get my attention saying, “this will fit you!

I’m not ashamed to say I tore right into her saying that wasn’t my size at all and why didn’t she give help after it was asked for instead of bothering the customers for no good reason. And then I immediately felt bad, for this girl had a pout remarkably like what tots do when they’re denied another cookie, pool or t.v. time. So in sticking up for myself I had hurt her feelings. Ye Gods.

I went through the rest of my shopping in record time and MLM, sensing he should stop asking for every other piece of Hot wheels and chips, also came along rather demurely.

I guess I could have also rolled my eyes at the girl at the store and moved on but summers keep my temper brimming + there’s a perpetually chattering child along with his newfound love for IPL and Virat Kohli; tagging along more often than not. I was in no mood to be pleasant and embrace XXXL clothing because somebody didn’t get their eyes tested!!

In the words of the immortal Obelix-” I’m not fat. I’m just big boned, that’s all.’

Gravity- The Fiend

Since I blog about most things, why sweep this particular issue under the carpet? Why indeed!  So here goes-

I’ve been trying to find a space for myself (metaphorically) where I can relax and also burn some calories and maybe rid myself of the lard that’s been lovingly accumulated over the years. But more than becoming less-lardy I really want to destress.

One of the advantages of living in a gated community is that there are always vendors who are open to coming almost up to our doorstep and market their services. One such angel of mercy comes in from Artistic Yoga and I found that it spoke to me. Not eloquently or at length but it spoke to me. There’s something about being able to see the break of dawn right in front of you while you grunt and sweat and try to cajole unused muscles (aka my whole body) to bend and stretch and all the while hearing- DON’T FORGET TO BREATH!!

The cool morning air was in my face, the sweat was dripping into little plinks on the floor and I was in the zone. Twilight methinks but I was in the zone. I forgot home and hearth and tried to just go with the bends and turns that will one day help me turn into a human pretzel. Or not.

Image courtesy-http://sangrea.net/

Image courtesy-http://sangrea.net/

But it’s a start and one I hope I can keep to. The instructor was kind…he sees more out of shape housewives than he lets on but am sure in a day or two he’ll turn into a drill sergeant too and we’ll be doing the yoga version of Yo Grunt and Sir! Yes! Sir while I try to channel in the energies of the cosmos and clear my head 5 days a week. The instructor did ask me about my goals and any illnesses, problems that I had, any particular strengths I thought I had et al. Now if there was an award for exercising the tongue muscles I’d win that one hands down pat!

Watch this space for more posts on aches, pains and discovery of new muscles.

The Make-over Malarkey

I recently decided to go the Groupon way and the first (and only purchase) I made was for salon services.

It was very convenient to purchase and I finally got the opportunity to avail it today. Truth be told it HAD to be today since it was going to expire tomorrow but yeah..that’s how we roll in this family. We are ‘last-minuters’ but that’s another blog post for another day.

Anyhow, this place I landed in (which shall be unnamed) is a branch of a well-known national chain which advertises regularly in the major national dailies about their weight-loss, wellness and overall cosmetology services. The services I had opted for were for a facial and hair wash/cut/blow dry.

Am guessing not-so-pleasantly-plump people like myself are looked upon with a lot of eagerness since there’s more money to be made off us. The manager of the center took me into her room while the staff was preparing for the facial and laid a lot of jazz on me starting right from getting me to lose my hard-won lard to skin polishing, peeling, microdermabrasion, and livening up my hair!

I was beginning to feel like Frankenstein’s monster who needed new parts tacked on. Of course she counted against the fact that my excess lard just causes “well-meaning” advice about my appearance to bounce off entirely. Especially well meaning advise that comes with a price tag that’s as much as the EMIs on the new house.

This lady tried everything! I mean everything. She said look good for you husband, increase your confidence, boost your self-esteem and become a stronger woman. I guess seeing me sans make-up and in track pants made her think I was a dumpy housewife who needed “encouragement”.

But long story short I finally wrangled my way out of her lair and got the stuff done that I’d gone for and was pretty happy with the transformation of the hair at least-20131110_154029

But that lady was like a snake oil salesman with the extra luggage she was carrying around herself and trying to make me feel like I was a behemoth!

I’ll try it the old fashioned way…huffing and puffing and climbing stairs and sweating unfashionably till I lose the lard.

If it doesn’t work I know Mrs.Frankenstein’s always there to take me apart 🙂