Palpitations On A Saturday Morning

In the paraphrased words of Dolly Parton- I stumbled out of bed and tumbled to the kitchen and to pour my self a cup of salvation…and stopped still. There was a small rat on my dining table!!

I was still sleepy and did not have my wits about me so I swayed in one place for a bit, trying to think if I should throw a shoe at it or try to trap it under something when I thought again…why would we suddenly get rats when our pests have been lizards and roaches. So I did my Martha routine and crept up sneakily as much as a chubby woman can and saw it was MLM’s stupid armadillo toy!

That kid is going to get a lecture on keeping things back in the proper place once he surfaces from under the covers today! Jeez!

Note to self: Hear Salvation today, it’s been a while.

Movie Review: Baywatch

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Image courtesy amazon.com

Unless you have a few bottles of booze handy OR are supremely bored OR just want to test the waters and see at what point you say ‘enough’, don’t watch this movie. Reasons are given below in no particular order but with a lot of feeling:

  • You will never get back those 116 minutes that the movie runs.
  • You will wonder why The Rock would pick the role of Mitch Buchanan over other roles where he can be the macho up to the gills and still not be a part of a gag reel.
  • Zac Efron has weird ears, cannot emote and has bulked up. That’s it.
  • Priyanka Chopra is sashaying her way a la Bollywood movies and ending every sentence with an “already” and trying to look seductive, alluring and femme fatalish. None of which works. She should stick to Dil Dhadakne Do-type roles.
  • Alexandra Daddario- has a perplexed look on her face the entire time and seems to be confused half the times that she’s on a beach and would actually have been perfect for the role played by Pam Anderson in the teleseries. Image result for pamela anderson baywatch gif
  • The rest of the cast kind of meanders through the movie, using the F word liberally and acting like a bunch of goofballs playing at being crime fighters. They also keep calling each other ‘brah’…as if!

If you’re ok with “junk jokes”, people looking toned, anned and botoxy lips and have no effs to give then this movie might even end up being entertaining. But hey, I watched the entire Sharknado series so who am I to be a critic?

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Our Inner Diva

We come across articles online or in the papers about the divaesque behavior of the celebs. But what about the diva that lives within us all? The one who is temperamental? Volatile even and turns away in a huff? The one who turns up their nose at some transgression-imagined or otherwise.

I am very closely associated with one such person. And another one makes a cameo appearance from time to time and then goes back to playing their usual full-time role.

Greta Garbo always had an anecdote attributed to her, “I vant to be alone”

One of my peeps sometimes becomes Garboesque and goes into ‘I want to be alone’ mode and there will be the sound of a door closing somewhere for about half and hour. After that time has lapsed,  slightly subdued but ostensibly normal person emerges. But the diva lurks within.

The other diva is full-blown and totally OTT! There are lamentations of happiness being denied, lives being ruined and expressions of angst and agony to rival the actors of the Silent Era of movies. 

That is followed by a body being flung onto a bed in a fit of pique. 

Doors occasionally slam as well. But there is a zero-tolerance on door slamming so the anger is demonstrated in other ways. Things get flung around at times but there being an embargo on breakages; that line isn’t crossed.

I like to follow a ‘you break it, you bought it’ policy except mine is ‘you break it, you clean it up PRONTO’!

These divas are cute for the most part and not always very high maintenance. I have to write that because if they start writing their memoirs some day, I shudder to think how I’ll be portrayed. Yikes!

Coffee Is The New Glue

Somedays are TOUGH. You get up and move along without realizing that you’re putting one foot in front of the other. Zombies have a nice shuffling gait and make it very evident that they are in lurch-mode. But there are some days when you can’t remember how you got from one room to another because somewhere in your mind you are still sleeping.

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That happened to me today. I was reading till late at night and had to get up this morning to get T.O off to school. I’m ashamed to say this is how I did it. I stuck my nose in the container where we keep the coffee powder and I inhaled it like a junkie looking for a fix. I may even have snorted a bit of caffeine but it’s all good because I woke up. Desperate times= desperate measures and all that jazz.

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You semi-wake up one day and realize your life is centered around addictions. Caffeine, your phone, digital media and even the need to share thoughts, images and stories across said digital media. Call it a malaise or just the order of things but I really surprised myself today. I was coffee sniffing just to be able to open my eyes today.

So this is what glue-sniffers are all about…not a happy realization.

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Buddha Had A Bulldog

Note: This post has been patiently waiting to see the time of day. It did not get it’s moment in the sunny blogosphere due to a nasty hand injury which prevented me from doing anything else but insulting the world at large. Read on below.

Or did he? It’s one of those things we may never really know about for sure. Well, not unless we research a bit into bulldog geneology and map it to a timeline and figure out when the first ones appeared.

But why bulldogs? Why not Shih Tzus or Sharpeis when they are clearly the cuddley-wuddley-izzums of the small dog segments? Well it so happened this weekend when we were at a place in the outskirts of Hyderabad, I came across the landscaping which was clearly done by a team/person who loves Oriental symbols and the Buddha especially.

 

 

There are statues all over the resort along with those chubby, laughing babies one tends to see in their artwork. What one doesn’t usually see are bulldogs. And yet there they were. And so was a pelican! Go figure…


Out of all the things there, these bulldogs caught my eye. Why wouldn’t they? They were so life like. Imagine trudging your way to the restaurant for breakfast, semi-zombieish from the lack of caffeine, and behold. A bull dog. Totally the cover for Better Homes and Gardens.

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So, did Buddha have a bulldog? I guess we’ll never know.

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P.S: What do you get if you cross a Bulldog and a Shih Tzu? Bullshit! Image result for laughing dog gif

Of Romance and Fried Eyeballs

Four years ago I wrote this blog post and I’m still laughing about it. Sometimes all the way to the loo because when Red ends up being funny inadvertently, it’s bad for my bladder.

One of the biggest yarns ever spun in my home is about Red getting a 92 in Hindi many moons ago. Anyone who knows him knows that to be the biggest crock of malarkey. Ever.Not surprisingly, no documentation of this mythical “92” has ever been seen.

Every now and then I’ll listen to a couple of mellow, Hindi songs which particularly pluck at my romantic vein. And that’s when Red strikes. With a seemingly innocuous question, a guileless face and completely out of the blue, he’ll make me go from a mellowed out woman to someone who looks like this- Image result for dafuq gif

Tonight was no different. I was looking up the lyrics to Roz Roz Aankhon Tale. Now it’s not entirely phonetically spelt out in English, I accept, but the husband cottoned onto just ONE word from the entire song, took it out of context and changed the meaning from love to cannibalism in one fell swoop!

“Taley” in Hindi means below, underneath. Talna means to fry. Somehow, Mr.92-in-Hindi grabbed onto that random memory from his vast, spacious vault of Hindi vocabulary and asked me, “Doesn’t tale mean fried?” And now, instead of remembering Kishore Kumar and Asha Bhonsle’s mellifluous duet, I’ll see eyeballs sizzling on a skillet.

Don’t be too surprised if I walk around zombie-like after sometime and turn into Cole Sear and say  substituting eyeballs of course!Image result for eyeballs gif