Once Upon A Time…

Once upon a time, there was a dino. He was a fierce predator!

But he was quite possibly an outlier because he also loved art.

He usually rode on the back of a sweaty, puffing, cursing chunky woman and used to insist on the top berth while travelling in a train.

He had started his life very one-dimensionally you see. This dino was of the genus Inflatablia Storebroughtous Rex and a vertically-challenged woman had literally breathed life into him and it was to her he went to everytime he was feeling low and wanted some cheerful uplifting.

And she would put her lips together had huff and puff and blow his house down…no wait..that’s another creature altogether.

This was a chubby woman who commanded a lot of air because she could talk and talk and talk without stopping to take a breath.

The dino had a wonderful life. He went to a wedding

rode in cars, went up and down elevators and ultimately when it was time for him to go to the big Jurassic Heaven, he lay down and went to sleep and was back to the one-dimensional state he had started his life in.

There will never be another dino like him ever again.

Lockdown Utterance Bloglet

This kind of statement has become the norm these days: “C’mon baby, have your lunch and then let’s shave your head. I have more chores left to do still. Chop chop!!”

I Get By With A Lil Help From My Apps

I’m a wee bit narcissistic. I like to look good although you couldn’t tell that from my perpetual “in sweatpants and loose tshirts” style but I do like to dress up.

Even more so, I like to have a clear complexion and a healthy glow that isn’t brought on by a cornucopia of make-up.

Sadly, the latter’s not been in my favor for a while and going to a derma doc to figure out why the face is becoming a ‘join-the-dots-page’ is also not on the horizon at this time.

The first time I used Snapchat it was purely on a lark and its utter airbrushed, emphasis-on-fair quality made me think that it would promote unreasonable notions of fairness and “prettiness” in the vulnerable, impressionable young people but damn my skin looked good!

Over time it’s become my go-to silly-time app. The filters are ridiculous and whether am sporting a beard, a hat or big bunny ears, it’s all good because the chuckle-factor is fairly high.

And we could all do with more chuckles in life especially during times of uncertainty, crisis and being at crossroads in our lives.

Cheers to Snapchat! May your filters multiply and may your tribe grow…naah..you have enough users..

Lockdown Entertainment

I eventually got around to watching a movie during the lockdown. Till now I’ve limited myself to watching series which have episodes so I can take a break in between and not feel like I’m going to miss out on an ongoing thread. I’ve started watching Modern Family from the beginning and usually watch while I’m doing something repetitive like washing dishes or ironing. It works out well for me. Each episode is roughly 40 minutes long and that ensures a good amount of dishes and clothes getting done.

But a movie is a different ball game. With a movie there’s a sense of continuity that has to be maintained else it’s no fun. Of course with some movies there is barely any head or tail to start with or the acting is so OTT or weird that you would willingly get up and leave the room because it’s totally a yawn-worthy affair.

I was bored enough to want to watch something like War, thinking that an action flick would be engaging and it would be chock-full of Bollywood-style drama and be humorous without meaning to. And I was right. I was also wrong. Right because it was funny. But not in a funny ha-ha manner. And I was wrong because it was about as engaging as…well similies are failing me because I was bored just thinking about it.

Bored Monsters Inc GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

Now this movie has garnered a lot of hype and good reviews but it’s hardly as slick as it could have been. I recently saw Special Ops and found it to be quite engrossing. No OTT dialogues. No hissing Hrithik Roshan+Tiger Shroff. I have no idea why those two have to lower their voices to an inaudible register just to express pathos and emotion.

Johnny English - What Is Wrong With You GIF by MikeyMo | Gfycat

Long story short- I didn’t watch it till the end. I think I barely made it past a quarter of it. I moved onto another one called Khandaani Shafakhana. Now this movie wasn’t aces by any means but it was still interesting.

The characters were better etched, the flavor of a small city was captured well and the mindset of our society towards carnal relations was fairly authentically portrayed I felt. What it fell short in capturing was the human element but it also stopped short of becoming a preachy piece on how our thinking needs to change so I called it even. It is one of the VERY few movies where I felt Sonakshi Sinha could actually emote instead of  being a pretty prop in movies like Dabangg.

Of course movies being lengthier and children being little sadistics who like to come and engage their parents in all sorts of inane chatter and activities at the least conducive times; there were four interruptions before Red and I could finally see the whole damn thing all the way through.

Will I be watching anymore movies during this time? Maybe, maybe not. All depends on when the kid sleeps and how much of a glutton for punishment I turn out to be.

 

The Portal of Peace

There’s a portal that exists within our homes. It hides in plain sight but you pass it by without seeing its charms or the wonders it holds. Even if you open it and enter, the true purpose of it is hidden till you become a parent. Because it is only then that the enchantment is revealed and the veil is lifed from our eyes and we see it for what it actually is- a refuge, a haven or a place to hideout till the little humans come for you.

Where Do You Hide From Your Kids?

I refer to, of course, the humble bathroom. The place that we all need; caste, creed, race, gender not withstanding. But for some reason parents need it more. From the initial days of becoming a parent when you can actual fall asleep on/near/ a commode or even while brushing your teeth, to the time when going to the bathroom becomes like a long-awaited entry to the exclusive nightclub around the time the child is crawling and reaching for everything that they shouldn’t be.

Mom's Genius Bathroom Sign - Bathroom Sign to Give Mom Privacy

Later on it’s just a place that becomes your refuge. You tiptoe past the child who hasn’t spotted you yet or sneakily creep around when they are calling out for you and make your way into the Promised Land aka The Loo! For it is the place you can bluff your way into and no one’s going to be able to come and check and see if you were really doing your business or just yanking their chain.

Numb Vulva, Chocolate Chips, and Truth – Pryvate Parts

Image courtesy: crappypictures.com

But there are limitations to the portal for it is not soundproof. And sometimes the space between the door and the floor is enough for little fingers to push their drawings through for you to see, or just to wave at you because who doesn’t like to engage in discourses about art or have social interaction while on the pot!

202 Parenting Memes That Will Make You Laugh So Hard It Will Wake ...

The kind of conversation that can go on from either sides of a portal is mindboggling but true nonetheless. Here are some examples:

  • “What are you doing in there?
  • When are you coming out?
  • Are you coming out?
  • Can I come in?
  • Are you doing anything in there because I can’t hear anything?
  • Can you make me a snack?
  • Can I have the Netflix password?
  • Can you unlock the iPad for me?
  • What kind of cake am I having for my birthday this year? (this question was posed during January and the child’s birthday is in August).
  • Are you reading your Kindle in there (Yes I was).
  • Are you watching digital media in there (yes, at times).
  • Are you eating? (eww…no. Coffee’s different.)
  • Can I have some money and get something from the store?
  • Can we go out for dinner tonight?
  • Are we rich?
  • I want to check my Amazon Pay amount.
  • Can I have a little sister? (!!!)
  • I want to make a deal..(and the negotiations begin).

Each time a child sees a closed door with a parent behind it, some primal instinct awakens in them and they feel the urge to communicate till some sort of reciprocation is forthcoming. For a parent, it’s a sense of cold comfort hiding out on the porcelain throne till it’s time to call it a day and open the portal back to the land of the little hoomans. That is, until the next time the portal opens and a world of isolation beckons away from the “gimme-gimmes”.

Mom sleeping in bathroom! | Mom humor, Sleep funny, Funny quotes

Cabin Fever Blog…

Another post that was left midway, most likely due to household chores and my personal Disruptor!

Kicking And Screaming GIFs | Tenor

Lockdown mornings are wonderful (read between the lines)! Instead of dragging TO out of bed, I now kind of nudge him till he rolls out and then get him to clean out his eye gunk before he gets online for his classes with the teachers and classmates. What joy.

Pin on Funnies

Today being a Saturday, I didn’t have to nudge, push or shove and he got up on his own. I should mention that because he bunked with me last night I didn’t get much sleep. I usually go to another room when he starts using me as his mattress and blanket all rolled into one.

A little while back there was a slightly miffed child staring at me with his hands on his hips…the bone of contention was my leaving him at night to go sleep somewhere else. When I told him that I needed my sleep and he kept pushing me off the bed, his answer of, “That’ because you’re so FAT!” didn’t really help matters much.

52 Questions I Ask Myself When I Lie Awake At Night

I think I’ll get one of those Keep Calm memes up and running while I ruminate on playing musical bedrooms in my own home. Till I drift off to sleep and wake up with a cute but peeved face almost nose to nose with me!

Cabin Fever Blog#2

This morning started off as most mornings do these days…quietly. Spoke to the bestie who’s doing her own lockdown in a different continent and waited for the calm of the morning to be broken once TO got up. And it did.

Grumpy Morning GIFs | Tenor

Excuse the segue here but I fail to understand how people can say “bachchey bhagwaan ka roop hotey hain” aka children are form of the Divine. I may shuttle between being an agnostic and an atheist but even I know there’s no God in the history of Gods that like to commune with His/Her devotees while they’re in the loo! Or one who pouts when junk food is taken off the menu. OR one who keeps whining about the Netflix account being unavailable. Or one who has to be put on a timeout for being a pain in the posterior. None of that smacks of being omniscient or omnipotent!

Be as that may, this is how my day’s been so far: started on dishes a bit early in the day so there wouldn’t be too many of them after making lunch. I’d have been done half an hour earlier than I did only because there was a persistent tap on my shoulder every few minutes to ask what a small hooman should be doing right then.

BUSY MOM MEMES image memes at relatably.com

First I sent him to make the beds. He did. After being told 5xs. Then he wanted me to come a see something weird he found in one of the bathrooms. It wasn’t weird at all. But he still called me. Then I asked him to sort the laundry. He did. By dumping stuff from all the hampers in the middle of the dining room. When I asked him to S-O-R-T it out. He just made three different piles, again in the middle of the room. Right where we’d walk from.

New Oh Bite Me Bar Pub Decor Bedroom Gift Acrylic Neon Light Sign ...

His response to my, “Did you think I wanted you to dump everything in the middle of the floor?” was, “You didn’t want me to dump it all on the floor?” Because hey! that’s the reply that makes the most sense. And to do it all when I have a knife in my hand is just pushing buttons that ought *never* be pushed.

Knife lady GIFs - Get the best GIF on GIPHY

Final snark from me before I stomped away to do the laundry was a disdainful look at the avoiding-my-eyes-husband and saying, “And you wanted TWO kids! Hmphff!!”