Isn’t that what it all boils down to in life?
It isn’t always celebrating the things that go well or in accordance with our plans or even making our peace with the things that don’t. It’s finally just existing with what IS.
Sometimes we are able to do it gracefully and other times it takes a lot of plodding and prodding to get through each day.
There’s a saying by Oscar Wilde that people often smugly quote- ” There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.”
I’ve found that while tragedy might be too strong a word for it, it does seem difficult to comprehend and accept ,what you sought out, opted for even isn’t all that it’s cut out to be or even worse…it’s not what you want. Is inadequate.
So you shuffle the deck a few times and hope the next hand is better than the one that has you staring in bafflement.
Or you chuck the cards up in the air and don’t care if they scatter all over; since it’s mimicking life in doing so.
And some of us painstakingly make a house of cards. Trying to balance each card over the other and anxiously watching whether they stay up or come tumbling down.
In the end you either end up with a steady house you used up all your cards in making and are proud of or you decide to call it quits after you reach a plateau and are still left holding a few cards for later.
It’s all about playing with the hand you were dealt.
Red would frown seeing Kundera being quasi-plaigiarised in this manner but I honestly couldn’t think of any other title for this blog post.
I sometimes get the sense of things being in a separate reality as it were. And while that may have shrinks reaching for a diagnosis of psychosis but there often doesn’t seem to be a bridge between what’s transpired and what currently *is*.
Take for example the new place we moved it. It’s only been 3 months since we moved here but I can’t seem to recall the time of my life when I lived in the old apartment. It’s almost like that’s ceased to be.
I had gone back to the old place today because a former colleague and fellow bookworm wanted to take some of my books that I’d left behind in the move. And while I can find myself heading back to that place on autopilot, it seemed surreal to be back in the actual apartment.
Our voices were echoing slightly in the empty livingroom but somehow I couldn’t envision myself and my family there although the better part of 7 years of married life had been spent there.
This is a form of moving on. It’s firmly categorized as a closed chapter. Something that’s been traded for a better object, situation and we’ve moved on. All of us. Red and MLM took about 2-3 days to get settled into the new place and get acclimatized heart and soul.
I kept thinking that I alone still had a hankering for the place but it’s no longer home.
It’s a curious phenomenon, moving on. People you couldn’t do without at one point of time, places you couldn’t think of not being in all get left behind and you march on. Not always to something and someone better but you always proceed further and further ahead. Often you progress as well.
Another day, another realization. Such is life.
If I knew then what I know now I’d have learnt to swim properly and had a physique I wouldn’t mind flaunting.
If I knew then what I know now I’d have only beanbags or beanbag chairs instead of proper furniture or just have Japanese-inspired seating arrangements. Sounds cryptic? Read this, this, this and this. None about seating but all about bringing up a typhoon…sorry boy!
If I knew then what I know now I’d have Ferberised my child and not been such a namby-pamby mom about having him cry or self-soothe.
If I knew then what I know now I’d have probably have tried to do better in science and try to become a doctor and have my own elevator trysts with McDreamy 🙂
If I knew then what I know now… I would’t have this blog post to type out…
That’s game, set and match for ignorance!
Some of us actively live in the past. How things were, how they happened et al. And that’s understandable. There’s a comfort in looking back at things which have already occurred. You don’t need to worry about them again…they’re done. Maybe not dusted but you know how they’ve played out. It’s *not* the unknown. The present is fluid and the future uncertain so the past is often the only reliable thing you have.
The past is a powerful thing. It shapes you. It holds a repository of YOU and your life that you can go back to and pluck instances out of that help you in your present and may help you in the future.
There are times when I pass by a place where significant things in my life have occurred and if I try hard enough I can actually see myself there. Not too clearly but as a hazy memory. Too clearly and it’s ground for being certifiable :p
But sometimes a walk down memory lane helps. Especially when you’re getting your present to pull up it’s socks and get it’s act together!