Movie Review: Deep Blue Sea-2

Verdict: Spare yourself. Seriously.

Sharks are beautiful creatures with rows of serrated teeth and soulless eyes that would scare the bejesus out of anyone who saw them up close and personal.

But they are worthy of that respect that comes with fear. They aren’t the Jason or Freddy of the scary creature movie world. They are the Damians and Michael  Meyers who stalk silently and without too much brouhaha. Because brouhaha isn’t classy. It’s massy and doesn’t have enough gravitas.

I have proved again and again I have rather low standards when choosing movies. I’ll usually watch anything once without feeling too snobby about it. But when a movie is so ridiculous that it just makes you want to throw things at your beloved telly, then there’s truly something rotten in the state of Denmark. Note: Author has no idea about the sudden and inexplicable segue into Shakespeare. Let’s put it down to the brain getting scrambled by this movie.

Back to the ranting! I usually screen whatever movie my child wants to see especially if it’s beyond a PG rating. Deep Blue Sea is something he’s not seen yet so I was wary about the part-2 since they usually go OTT trying to get people to like it as much as the previous one. But this installment of the movie is a joke. With baby bull sharks being confused about their sharky heritage and acting like a bunch of piranhas instead. Yech.

The acting is so sub-par that is doesn’t behoove me to mention it at all. With the movie copying the iconic scenes from the 1st movie you are just in a hurry to switch it off and move onto something like White Chicks to restore your faith in creature flicks.

 

So, will TO be allowed to watch this film? NO! If he has to hurt his eyes by watching crap, I’d rather he watched Sharknado. It has the distinction of ‘being so bad it’s actually good’!

Me&Crappy Movies…

I have watched tons of rubbish movies. Honestly. And I make no excuses for it. If it intrigues me, I’ll watch it at least once.

I don’t look into the why it’s good or bad or why it’s made money or lost a pile of it. IF the topic is interesting enough, I’ll try and get my hands on a copy.

I really like watching creature and disaster movies. The former is usually improbable and the latter hopefully won’t happen in my lifetime but they are usually not boring; if made well.

I watched Ghost Shark, the Sharknado series and a whole bunch of other stuff with the words “shark” or “snake” in its name and have been actually entertained. And then there was Oceans Rising.

Image result for shoot me in the head gif

Oh my god…what an utterly, utterly pathetic movie. To have watched The Day After Tomorrow, Poseidon and even 2012 to some extent and then see this crappy piece of well…crap, is so disappointing. And that’s saying a lot coming from me. I also watched Megashark Vs. MechaShark and lost no sleep over it.

Apart from probably not having any money for believable special effects and having people who just run their entire gamut of expressions in 0-60 seconds, this movie was not the best utilization of a Friday afternoon I’ve done.

The lesson has been learnt.

Maybe.

Naah….

Image result for gag me with a spoon

Movie Review: Dam Sharks

Damn! Is what you’re left to utter because you’re otherwise chortling helplessly at sharks performing gymnastics in a murky lake somewhere in a podunk town when geeks and their asshole-y boss ( Jason London in an unforgivable role)gather for an offsite. Say hello to DAM SHARKS!

Add a small town sheriff, with a customary ornery old guy and a bunch of people who were hired to get killed within a few minutes of the movie starting and you have Syfy’s latest atrocity on the human civilization. And just in case you still wanted to watch it, here’s the spoiler- there are these sharks, we don’t know where they came from. We don’t know why they came. We don’t know where they’re going but they’re killing people  and building a dam with the body parts. *FACEPALM*

Syfy’s fare seldom gets to the “it’s so bad it’s actually good” stage. It’s languishes at “that’s very darn pathetic but am too lazy to change channels and let’s see what the shark’ll do next”.

The actual victims here: the sharks! Jaws made them look menacing, helped tremendously by John Williams’ score; Deep Blue Sea had a few flinch moments and also had Saffron Burrows as eye candy for the men and Thomas Jane similarly for the women. Sharknado was a laugh-a-minute riot with people trying to remember why Tara Reid and Ian Ziering looked kinda familiar to but not enough to spark an instant recollect. But movies like the Sharnado sequels, and this dam(n) one (‘cuse the pun) just relegate these amazing creatures to ridiculous props in a movie which could have also been a bloodbath, scream fest but just turns out to be replete with stony-faced actors, painfully spewing out their dialogues and not much else.

Creature movies don’t *have* to make sense. If it did, Jaws couldn’t have gone beyond the first movie and created vengeful great whites seeking out the Brodys no matter where they roamed in the world. But a creature movie that makes you laugh, totally defeats the purpose and then some!

One of the worst scenes in the movie: a wanna-be Katniss Everdeen who mouths Roy Schneider’s classic line, “Smile you SOB” and then shoots a paintball arrow into a shark causing it to….wait for it….explode!

But I was bored and I often test myself to see what’s the worst I can watch and for how long…today proved to be a watershed day…I can truly watch tripe. Beginning to end. Doesn’t say much about it now does it?

DAM!

Movie Review: Singh Is Bling

I say this with every bit of sincerity I possess: there’s a special place reserved in HELL for Prabhu Deva for making this movie.

I am not a snob about my movies. I prefer the light-hearted ones to the somber ones, that’s true but this movie was boring and it’s cliches had cliches and barring the opening sequence that could serve as a good advert for Punjab tourism, there was NOTHING to recommend the movie. AT ALL.

The story? That’s a laugh…oh well..the “plot” is this- Akshay Kumar is a good-for-nothing-well-intentioned “young”man living in his pind (village) of Bassi-something or the other. After the final edict from his father to make something of himself, he jets off to Goa (yeah…talk about Go, Goa Gone!) and sets about helping a friend of his father; a big shot in a rather picturesque part of the state.

Cut to the heroine of the movie, Amy Jackson, who hails from Romania and gives new meaning to the word Kick Buttowski. She lands up in Goa to search for her mother and crosses paths with AK, who is to guard her and keep her happy. How does he do it when she speaks only English and no Hindi and he no English and only Punjabi-accented Hindi? Well that’s where Lara Dutta comes in as the interpreter/translator.  And you wish she’d go back out again because it’s Lara Dutta and acting properly isn’t what she’s known for but she does what she’s supposed to viz provide the comic element.

Of course you wish she’d not have to sleepwalk or smash coconuts into men’s’ crotches to achieve that “hilarity” but then again, that was the least of what was wrong with the movie.

AK is loud and unfunny and so are the two buffoons who play his buddies. Amy Jackson has a lovely complexion and is understated. She is also…erm..did I write she has a lovely complexion?

There are films which are unpretentiously about the cheap laughs. The Naked Gun series, White Chicks…these are not movies that discerning audiences watch. They are about farts, body parts and bodily fluids and functions and full of innuendoes. And proudly so.

Singh is Bling didn’t show much bling to start out with and neither did it show the funny. A scene where a baddie is demonstrating his baddiness by cracking beer bottles on the heads of his minions has the entire crux of the movie encompassed into a single dialogue, “yeda hai kya?”.

And that ladies and gents is what you are if you watch this movie. Till the end. Go count sheep or something. Infinitely less boring.

The rest of the notable cast included Rati Agnihotri in all her puffy-eyed matronliness and a totally wasted Kay Kay Menon who clearly was stoned when he signed on for the movie or needed moolah very desperately.

By the way, I have no clue if the movie even slightly redeems itself since I walked out a little after the interval.

This movie rates an all toes down and wishes that Prabhu Deva would stick to dancing while invisible or on moving buses rather than making cameos in his own movies where he pees at people in the men’s room and tries to get them to run off. Dafuq anyone?

The Lure of The Terrible- Part Deux

I am ready to be included in the pantheon of martyrs now. I watched Sharknado. And am glad that I did because it is the MOTHER of all BAD movies. It is SO bad it’s the BEST BAD movie of them all!

It’s BEYOND preposterous, ludicrous, over-the-top. It defies explanation and expression.

And it’s aptly summed up by this.

This has been an experience. I can honestly say that Rajnikanth has met his match!

P.S: Let’s observe a moment of silence for sharks as a species who were grossly humiliated by this movie. 

Please forgive the makers their trespasses for they knew what they were doing and went ahead and did it anyway.

Amen.

 

Ian Ziering taking on a great white with a chainsaw.