Arise my children and read the latest interpretation of the Word of God. I can’t believe no one’s brought a class action suit against the website for liberally peppering the Gospel with F***s and what nots..
I. Thou shall not have any other Gods before me.
Heh, I wouldn’t think God would be such an attention whore but if I can live a sin free life, I’m willing to not put any Gods before him. Apparently though, humans and animals fall into the “Gods” category and we can’t put them in front of God either. So, all you little gang bangers idolizing Fitty are nothing more than heathens and evidently all that bullshit about cows being so holy isn’t really true, according to Commandment #1. Fair enough, I’m good with this so far.
II. Thou shall not take the name of the Lord in vain.
Goddamned, motherfucking skippy! Everyone knows you shouldn’t pull these shenanigans and I simply did to impress another man with my false strength which is part of the reason you shouldn’t be doing the shit to begin with. Fuck me in the ass and call me Sally, if I didn’t just abuse Gods’ name because I’m suspicious of my own integrity, stability and masculinity and my cowardice within told me I wouldn’t be struck down immediately. Ain’t that some shit? Point taken, though.
III. Remember thou keep Holy the Sabbath Day.
Motherfucker, what? I can’t be entirely sure but I think this is just fancy talk for you should go to church every Sunday. According to good ole number 3, you can’t follow the other nine Commandments without allowing time to spend with JC on a specified day and because evidently, we need the discipline of a specified day because we need that kind of discipline. I could also go for a dominating broad, tying me up, pinching my nipples and slapping my ass, every now and then too.
IV. Honor thy father and mother.
Okay, I can go along with this, except for the fact that my father is a fucking cunt bag who gets shit from me for being a douche bag for most of the time I’ve known him. So what if you were supposedly cool when I was a baby, guess what, fuck head, I don’t remember that shit, bitch. On the other hand my mother is a Saint and I was put in her by the Lord himself without her actually having intercourse. My brother on the other hand, well, that dumb bastard was adopted after my mother found him outside of the church and being the Saint she is, brought in his ignorant, can’t graduate on time because I think I’m cool but I’m really a stupid cock sleeve, ass. So, honor your moms and pops because it will stabilize your thinking and help your rationalize the order of things, or some shit like that.
V. Thou shall not kill.
You’d think that this one might be the easiest of all to follow but y’all see motherfuckers getting their wigs split on a daily basis for no apparent reasons. According to this Commandment, only the good Man above can take the life of us humans. Sounds reasonable enough but I don’t really think people know how they will re-act when faced with life altering events, then again, everyone, everywhere has been told that killing is not right but all you fuckers watch the news and read the papers. However, let’s try not to be killing folks and we should all be good with this one.
VI. Thou shall not commit adultery.
Doh! Personally, I don’t think my love of pornography should affect the way God sees me. However, homosexuality, lesbianism, abortion, pornography and all other promiscuous endeavors all fall into this category and go against creating man to begin with. Sorry fags, but your butt escapades aren’t going to cut it, up in this Commandment but don’t feel bad because my pornography habit will probably keep me in sin for the rest of my time. God-damn, ah fuck wait, Gosh darn it, I don’t know about you fuckos but this Commandment here is starting to push shit. No pun intended.
VII. Thou shall not steal.
I plead the 5th and was forgiven for my sticky fingers at my last confession. However, mostly everyone has had some shit stolen from them and that shit doesn’t feel good for one second and from way back in the day, every last one of us was taught that this shit here isn’t right. On a side note, is anyone interested in a set of 100 spoke Daytons?
VIII. Thou shall not bear fair witness against thy neighbor.
Here we go again with the fancy, smancy biblical talk. Basically, all you infidels and Yentas who go around gossiping and/or trying to darken another mans name will eventually have to answer to Him. Apparently, those who sin against this Commandment will more than likely sin against the others. So, you fuckers don’t be gossiping or talking bad about motherfuckers because it shows ego, jealously, contempt and lack of self discipline and can very well make you catch an ass whipping as well.
IX. Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife.
Seriously, even if you’re single? Nevertheless, it doesn’t get too much easier, than don’t fuck your neighbors’ wife or think about it for that matter. That sucks because I’ve jerked off twice while writing this sonofabitch, thinking of my neighbors’ wife. Oh well, at least I didn’t cum in her mouth when I was thinking of her, at least not the second time. Pretty much, we’ll all be good with this Commandment if you don’t allow your thinking or lack of self discipline to weaken you or another who belongs to another. In even easier terms fuckos, don’t be fucking bitches who are married. Still though, if a broad tells me she’s getting a divorce and is fucking, more than likely I’m fucking, that’s just me, though.
X. Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s goods.
Well, with this one God says he is the Lord of all things and this rule applies to all he has created. Geesh, no reason to start getting all high and mighty now or should I say higher and mightier. Notwithstanding, you fuck faces need to start understanding you must earn your profits and not to be frivolously borrowing shit and not accounting for it. In font we can all understand, don’t be fucking with other folks money and fucking with their ability to make it because you fuckers are weak or something like that.
I don’t know about any of you but these 10 little rules seem a tad bit hard to follow on a daily basis. By the looks of it, I live deeply embedded in sin and feel that if these are the standards that I’m going to be judged by, I’m probably fucked. Oh well I suppose, I was kinda leaning towards the belief that aliens came down and made us anyhow.
In it for the wine,
Waiting for the thunderbolt from the heavens above any moment now.