Monday to Friday my child looks at me as the incarnation of the Wicked Witch of the West+her flying monkeys all rolled into one.
Weekends I do the same to him when he gets up before I want him to.
Cue Elton John singing ‘Circle Of Life’ in the background.
Caffeine is defined as ‘an alkaloid compound which is found especially in tea and coffee plants and is a stimulant of the central nervous system.’
I, on the other hand, would call it the life-giving and life-sustaining elixir which enables me to tolerate my fellow man, open my eyes in the morning without wishing a piano fell on people around me; basically not putting a hit out on people who keep me from my coffee.
Take this morning’s scenario- TO has trouble getting up in the mornings. So do I but I have been given the divine duty of getting my kid off to school ergo sleep can be sacrificed for the joy of knowing he’s boarding the yellow bus. Anyhoo, after what seems like eons in getting him to get out of bed and the zombie-walk to the loo where he can brush, he decided that *now* was the best time to lie down flat on a skateboard and S-L-O-W-L-Y roll his way to the dining table that was maybe 5 feet away.
Why, one might be tempted to ask. Well apparently the flesh and blood wanted to have his morning milk ‘on the go’ as it were.
In such moments, coffee is the most glorious of gifts. It prevents you from turning into a banshee, dumping said cup of milk onto otherwise lovable offspring’s head and as the caffeine enters your system, you feel calm and barely-there tolerance pervade the space around you.
I do agree, I might have a wee addiction towards the bean. It has been my constant support for more than 26 years now. It has got me through many a thing. Kept me from throwing things at odious people and throwing odious people off other places.
A few weeks ago I was asked to cut back on milk and caffeine as a part of a “diet”. That it didn’t work out is a given. I took to lingering in the kitchen gazing at the cupboard where the coffee is kept. I sniffed the coffee powder a few times a day and wished I could mainline it. Yup…total junkie.
But all jokes aside, we all have our crutches in life. Some worse than others. Of all the things I could be doing, coffee seems to be the most benign.
Somedays are TOUGH. You get up and move along without realizing that you’re putting one foot in front of the other. Zombies have a nice shuffling gait and make it very evident that they are in lurch-mode. But there are some days when you can’t remember how you got from one room to another because somewhere in your mind you are still sleeping.
That happened to me today. I was reading till late at night and had to get up this morning to get T.O off to school. I’m ashamed to say this is how I did it. I stuck my nose in the container where we keep the coffee powder and I inhaled it like a junkie looking for a fix. I may even have snorted a bit of caffeine but it’s all good because I woke up. Desperate times= desperate measures and all that jazz.
You semi-wake up one day and realize your life is centered around addictions. Caffeine, your phone, digital media and even the need to share thoughts, images and stories across said digital media. Call it a malaise or just the order of things but I really surprised myself today. I was coffee sniffing just to be able to open my eyes today.
So this is what glue-sniffers are all about…not a happy realization.
- Get up and beat the alarm…not to death but beat it to the finish.
- Stumble over toys and everything that should not be scattered on the floor.
- Brush while still a zombie.
- Use the loo and think Oh God…another day.
- Struggle into swimsuit and go for a dip.
- Get into pool and properly wake up.
- Thank the heavens both kid and husband are still asleep.
- Scramble out of pool to wake up kid and husband.
- Walk back in wet clothes and squelching slippers because changing takes time.
- Walk carefully into the house to not drip more water than required.
- Wake up sleeping beauties. Loudly.
- Jump into the shower, shampoo, dry hair, put on clothes.
- Wake up sleeping beauties. LOUDER.
- Tickle child awake.
- Kick husband out of bed.
- Alternate between cajoling and threatening child to the bathroom to brush his teeth.
- Ultimately give child piggyback ride to bathroom and coax him to brush his damn…erm little teeth.
- Give husband nasty looks because he’s reading sports page and not making coffee.
- Get child to brush teeth and rinse his mouth properly.
- Give husband nastier look and say stop acting like a slug/sloth/any other S-L-O-W moving creature.
- Get child to dinning table and give him a glass of milk and promise yes, there’s a lot of yummy chocolate at the bottom.
- Forgive husband while he hands you a cup of coffee.
- Leave coffee untasted while child starts playing with cars and dinos at the table and leaves milk untouched and raise your voice to the “I’m getting angry” level.
- Give husband the EVIL EYE when he says you shouldn’t get angry so early in the mornings.
- Get milk into child eventually.
- Get child into school clothes.
- Run after him with a brush to comb his hair and put lotion on his face.
- Kiss him goodbye and promise yourself to be a less impatient mother from now on.
- Look at husband with benevolent eyes once he drops child off and comes back home.
- Feel blood pressure rising when you keep talking to husband and he keeps burrowing into the same damn sports page.
- Feel relieved when husband finally goes for his bath.
- Feel irritation when he forgets his towel and asks you for once just as you pick up the paper. YET AGAIN.
- Start counting to 10 when he asks if you know where his washed undies are. AGAIN.
- Start looking for a weapon when he asks if you’ve seen his glasses. YES! Again. Every single damn day!!
- Recite his checklist by rote and make sure he’s taken everything he needs to for work.
- Send him off and feel love and affection flooding your heart. And relief.
It’s 9 am. You’ve been up for 2 1/2 hours. And there’s the rest of the day to get through. And you WILL do this again. TOMORROW. THE DAY AFTER. And the day after that too.
Thank God for predictability.