How To Tell A Child Lives In A House

Well most parents who’re reading this are going-DUH! But for the uninitiated and those who just “love” kids, here are some telltale signs that a mini-adult inhabits a particular dwelling.

Here we go-

1. There are mini shoes/flipflops/socks dotting the entrance of the house/apartment.
2. The surface of the house is kind of glossy. Upon closer examination you realize it’s sticky. If you really are a modern day Braveheart and explore further, you’ll see that it tastes sweet to.
3. You end up stepping on/sitting on/slipping on/finding-figures of dinosaurs, Hotwheels, clothespins, crayons, markers, color pencils,Play Doh, cookie cutters on the sofas, in the bathroom where the child bathes, out in the balcony, in kitchen drawers, within the folds of the comforters, on the bed, under the bed, in your shoes, arranged right in the middle of the room in a merry marching band fashion.
4. The walls have hand prints, scribble marks, smudges even though they look relatively new. Also, the marks are at a midget-level and usually not above 4 feet.
5. There are breadcrumbs not unlike Hansel and Gretel in a meandering path all over the house, on the bed and dinning table looks like a battle look place with the ketchup stains and jam streaks.
6. The TV remote is kept up high somewhere instead of being close to the telly like in other peoples’ houses.
7. Every decorative item is kept high up somewhere.
8. The potpourri looks like it’s been rummaged through and bits and pieces are lying around on the floor.
9. There are a trail of clothes- the house essentially resembles a laundry.
10. The surface of the laptop/computer has been scribbled on. Erased but still with colorful streaks.
11. The keyboard of the laptop/computer looks like a gap-toothed smile with keys missing.
12. There are shouts of, “No Spitting”, “Keep Your Clothes ON!!”, “No Your Wee-Wee doesn’t Want Cheerios!!” et al.
13. There’s a harried person, female usually, with bird’s nest hair, a red face, frown and steam coming out from the ears. Usually clad in sweats and a face that’s crying out for salon treatment.
14. There’s also a small person, or 2, oblivious to the minefield he has for a mother; happily skipping out, sneaking spoonfuls of peanut butter from the kitchen and bestowing sticky kisses to the deranged, about-to-explode aforementioned female.

This was not an exhaustive tutorial but an accurate one. In order to get the complete lowdown on this particular issue, please head to the nearest neighboring home with a stay-at-home mom. When the door opens and the swirling tornado inside is visible to you, all the truths shall be revealed.